My meaning of tired

I've been struggling a little bit lately with a feeling that people don't understand what I mean when I say "I'm tired". So I'm going to attempt to explain what it is I feel.

My "awake" time
You know that feeling when you can barely keep your eyes open because you're so tired? Or when you've had a few late nights and get to Sunday afternoon and just have to have that nap?
That's me when I'm "awake". It's not always quite this bad, but at least half of my day is with that feeling.

So if that's me awake...what is my "tired"? This one is a bit harder to describe, but I'll give it a go...

My "tired" time
This is more the feeling you would get if you've pulled an all-niter, had a full day in the office where you've had to sit through numerous meetings and remember a whole list of facts and figures, then gone and run a marathon. Your body aches, your mind is mush, you can't process anything that is going on around you, you feel dizzy and downright exhausted. You get so anxious that if you don't go to sleep right now you're pretty sure you'll start to cry.
This is me when I'm tired. This usually hits me at about 9pm.

So if I say I'm tired, or if I bail early on a party (if I get to it at all), or if I suddenly shut off halfway through a rehearsal or dinner...this is why. This is how I feel.

Next step in the journey

I'm about to embark in a new phase of attempted recovery and CFS treatment. My naturopath has set me up with an appointment with her work colleague who in actual fact treated her CFS a few years ago. 

The purpose of me seeing this other naturopath is for him to help me put together a low carb, high protein diet as well as try out some acupuncture and hypnotherapy treatments. The hypnotherapy is designed to help me to open up a pathway in my mind to allow me to get to the finish line where I am healthy again. 

At this stage I'm both skeptical and curious about the hypnotherapy. I don't know enough about it to really understand how it works. I guess my next step is to do some reading up on it and work out what questions I will need to ask next week at my initial consultation. 

The fog has lifted

Last week I went on holidays. It is the first real break I've had in a couple of years. Whilst I've had annual leave and time off work over Christmas/New Year, I've generally had homework to do. This was the first time I've been able to actually shut off my mind. 

In the past month or so I've been struggling a lot with "brain fog" and sensory overload. Between work, the illness, public transport annoyances, rehearsals, family, friends, boyfriend and pets I've had no quiet space left in my head. Even meditation music has had me on edge. I was at breaking point. My planned holiday could not have come sooner. 

Finally, I was at the beach!

No work, no public transport, no rehearsals, no family, no friends and no pets. Just me and my boyfriend in a quiet resort on the beach. 

Whilst I still had my illness with me, I at least had peace from everything else in my life. As a result, the fog has lifted and I no longer feel my senses are overloaded. Somehow, it has made me feel lighter. 

However, I did dread returning to work yesterday. It wasn't the thought of going back to work that I dreaded...it was the thought of stepping back into the real world where my illness resides and slowly takes over me. I still carry with me the fear of how the illness leaves me feeling. With 6 months until the Christmas break, I worry about how I'll make it through this next stretch.